Yet Another Magical Goat!

Sunday, February 22, 2009 | 0 comments »

fail owned pwned pictures      see more pwn and owned pictures

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   Awesome.  What more could you possibly want?

   The Jerusalem Post just posted an article about a Kosher GPS, made by Mio Technology.  (Get the double entendre in the title now?)  Ooooh.

   How is a kosher GPS different from a regular GPS, you ask?  Good question.  Here’s what it does:  gps

  • Lists thousands of Kosher restaurants.
  • Has Tehillim (Book of Psalms)
  • Has all three daily prayer services.
  • Has a Hebrew Calendar.
  • Has additional prayers.
  • Lists thousands of synagogues, mikvahs, cemeteries, and holy sites in Israel.


   Yes, this device is awesome.   Too bad it’s only available in Israel.  If they made it work internationally, it would make traveling as an observant Jew 1,494,4259,925 times easier than it is now.  Traveling observantly is oh so difficult for many reasons.  What are those reasons?  Well, here’s a few of them, in no particular order:

  • You’ve got to find kosher food everywhere.  Or else you’ll be hungry.
  • You’ve got to find a place for Shabbos.  Or else your Shabbos meal will consist of the expired NutriGrain bar in your backpack and some grape Powerade.  Also, no one likes to spend Shabbos alone.
  • You need to know prayer times and Shabbos times.  Otherwise you may end up saying the morning prayers in the evening, and the evening prayers in the afternoon!  AHH, insanity!
  • You need to know where you can pray with a minyan.  Your prayers are stronger with a minyan.

And probably many more reasons that I can’t think of off the top of my head.

   The list of kosher restaurants is probably the best aspect of this new GPS.  If you find and print out lists of kosher restaurants online, they are bound to be outdated because either the restaurant’s closed, it’s lost its kosher certification, it moved, or for a host of other reasons.  I once read a story about these two Americans who were traveling in Spain, and they spent half a day looking for a kosher restaurant they read about online only to find out, once they’d arrived at its door, that it had closed down a couple years ago.  Sad story.  So hopefully this GPS, if they ever take it globally, will be accurate.  It’s nearly impossible to compile all that information without traveling to all those places and checking out all the supposed kosher restaurants… maybe I’ll write them a letter proposing that I travel the world looking for kosher restaurants for them.  That would be a great job.  Traveling and eating.  Fun.

   If this GPS comes out in America, I’ll buy it.  In fact, I’ll buy two - one to keep in each pocket. 

   Anyway, promethean little device.  Very much so.

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This prank is hysterical.  How could a prank involving zombies not be unbelievably unbelievable?

   If I lived in Austin and I was driving to work when those signs were flashing that message, I don’t know what I would have done.  I probably would have believed the signs and grabbed the zombie-bashing weapon from the trunk of my car.  Then I’d run around with it screaming and pretending that I was in a zombie movie.  I’d probably yell things like, “It’s zombie bashing time!” and more stupid taglines from awesome zombie movies.   Yeah, that’s what I’d do. 
   Anyway, about zombie movies, the remake of the original Dawn of the Dead is awesome.   It’s one of my favorite movies of all time.  Shaun of the Dead was a pretty good movie if I remember correctly.  28 Days Later was pretty good, except for the bad ending.  Nothing beats a good zombie movie.  Nothing.

   Yay for zombies! 
   Yay for hacking into Austin road signs and changing them to say things to scare drivers on the highway and then making the local news with your prank!  Yay!

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    Everyone gets sick at one time or another.  There are many ways to minimize how often you fall ill and many ways to speed up recovery time.  Everybody knows these ways.  Everybody has spent time thinking about these ways.  However, how much time have you actually devoted to the opposite?  To getting and staying sick? Who’s to say that getting sick is less important than avoiding sickness? 

   The following is a list, plus descriptions and pictures, of the most daring and awesome ways to get sick and stay sick:


5.  Lick and taste everything. The item that you choose to taste must be frequently touched by the hands of others.  Why?  Because hands are disgusting.  In Latin, hand means very a_christmas_storydirty disease.  It’s true.  So, start licking and tasting ATM buttons, a subway poll, a computer mouse in a library, the door handle at your office, the sweaty weight bench at the gym, etc.  The list of absolutely endless, and the opportunities are everywhere.  This method should be started immediately.


4.  Thirsty?  Drink some water from a fountain.  I would venture a guess that certain public fountains are clean.  They include very new, clean, elaborate fountains inside new, classy fountainmalls.  You should avoid those, especially because their piping is probably clean and lead-free.  To get sick, the public fountain from which you should drink should should very old, outdoors in a very touristy spot, and have lots of coins in it.  There should be pidgins on the fountain, and consequently, lots of bird poop.  Bird poop is good.  Very good.


3. If you must go to the doctor, visit one who doesn’t speak your language.  If you speak only English, visit one who speaks only Spanish.  If you dr_evilspeak only Italian (which many of my readers do), visit one who speaks only French.  Simple.  Your effort will result in a wrong diagnosis and a wrong and potentially harmful prescription.   Not only will visiting this doctor keep you ill, but it’ll afford you the opportunity for extra side effects.  Yay!


 bubboy2.  Never sleep.  Ever.  Avoiding sleep will virtually ensure that you get sick, stay sick, and become sicker by nearly shutting down your immune system.  You wont be able to fight off infections and you wont be able to heal or recover from old ones.  If you don’t sleep, the only way to avoid getting sick is to live in a bubble.  Since you don’t have a bubble (I have one), then you’ll definitely get sick.


bird1.  Walk around all day with your mouth open – you’re bound to have some infectious germ fly in there, especially if you have a big mouth.  Just keep your mouth open all day long.  Keep it open on the bus-ride to work, while in a meeting with your boss, while at the gym, while doing the laundry, until you go to sleep.  It’s even more effective if you can somehow train yourself to sleep with your mouth open.  (On a side note, make a concerted effort to do this in an airplane, where germs float around like they’re having a party).


   So, if you follow these five daring and awesome methods, you’re almost guaranteed to get sick.  Good luck!


P.S.  If you get get sick by following my advice, you are not allowed to sue me.

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   How do you like my new layout?  According to the poll on the sidebar on the right of the page, 100% of my readers like it (50% like it and 50% love it).  So, take a second to vote!

   For some reason, I’m providing a screenshot of the new design.  Here it is:


   I’ve worked pretty hard on it and I’d like it to look good, so if anyone has any suggestions for improvements or changes, please write a comment or email me.

   Thanks for reading!

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