Everyone gets sick at one time or another.  There are many ways to minimize how often you fall ill and many ways to speed up recovery time.  Everybody knows these ways.  Everybody has spent time thinking about these ways.  However, how much time have you actually devoted to the opposite?  To getting and staying sick? Who’s to say that getting sick is less important than avoiding sickness? 

   The following is a list, plus descriptions and pictures, of the most daring and awesome ways to get sick and stay sick:


5.  Lick and taste everything. The item that you choose to taste must be frequently touched by the hands of others.  Why?  Because hands are disgusting.  In Latin, hand means very a_christmas_storydirty disease.  It’s true.  So, start licking and tasting ATM buttons, a subway poll, a computer mouse in a library, the door handle at your office, the sweaty weight bench at the gym, etc.  The list of absolutely endless, and the opportunities are everywhere.  This method should be started immediately.


4.  Thirsty?  Drink some water from a fountain.  I would venture a guess that certain public fountains are clean.  They include very new, clean, elaborate fountains inside new, classy fountainmalls.  You should avoid those, especially because their piping is probably clean and lead-free.  To get sick, the public fountain from which you should drink should should very old, outdoors in a very touristy spot, and have lots of coins in it.  There should be pidgins on the fountain, and consequently, lots of bird poop.  Bird poop is good.  Very good.


3. If you must go to the doctor, visit one who doesn’t speak your language.  If you speak only English, visit one who speaks only Spanish.  If you dr_evilspeak only Italian (which many of my readers do), visit one who speaks only French.  Simple.  Your effort will result in a wrong diagnosis and a wrong and potentially harmful prescription.   Not only will visiting this doctor keep you ill, but it’ll afford you the opportunity for extra side effects.  Yay!


 bubboy2.  Never sleep.  Ever.  Avoiding sleep will virtually ensure that you get sick, stay sick, and become sicker by nearly shutting down your immune system.  You wont be able to fight off infections and you wont be able to heal or recover from old ones.  If you don’t sleep, the only way to avoid getting sick is to live in a bubble.  Since you don’t have a bubble (I have one), then you’ll definitely get sick.


bird1.  Walk around all day with your mouth open – you’re bound to have some infectious germ fly in there, especially if you have a big mouth.  Just keep your mouth open all day long.  Keep it open on the bus-ride to work, while in a meeting with your boss, while at the gym, while doing the laundry, until you go to sleep.  It’s even more effective if you can somehow train yourself to sleep with your mouth open.  (On a side note, make a concerted effort to do this in an airplane, where germs float around like they’re having a party).


   So, if you follow these five daring and awesome methods, you’re almost guaranteed to get sick.  Good luck!


P.S.  If you get get sick by following my advice, you are not allowed to sue me.

Twitter Digg StumbleUpon Image Hosted by ImageShack.us Reddit Image Hosted by ImageShack.us Image Hosted by ImageShack.us Del.icio.us RSS

Leave a Comment!... 0 comments »