I love caviar.  Sometimes, or always actually, I wish I were a millionaire so that I could afford to eat caviar every day.  It’s very expensive, which is why I haven’t had much of it in my lifetime. fish from nz I’ve bought a few tiny bottles of it, had it at a top sushi restaurant in New Orleans, and ate nine gallons of it at my cousin’s wedding in New Jersey.  It’s fantastic.

   Instead of spending all my money on caviar, which was my original plan, I can get a job in the caviar business.  I can work right on the boat or be the guy who actually extracts the eggs from the fish.  I think that would be the best option since I could sneak as much caviar as I want and no one would be the wiser.   I’ll have secret, unlimited access to it - I’d be a caviar spy… or a thief.  Also, not only will the taste of caviar be permanently drilled into my teeth, I would also forever smell like caviar.  It’s a win-win!

   Win-win?  That’s not enough.  It’s actually a win-win-win.  Why?  Because the sole purpose of my planning to earn a doctorate is that I’ll be able to afford as much caviar as I could possible crave.  If I work as a caviarman, I will save the huge $130,000 educational investment plus I’ll get to skip the four-and-a-half year time investment a doctorate will require.  So, I’ll get instant satisfaction!  Instant caviar!  Forget school!

Perfect.  I win.

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Since the minute I was born, I’ve wanted to live in a mall. This dream has never faded – not through elementary school, not through middle school, not through high school, college, or through this current period of my life. Today, I would love to live in a mall just as much as I would have loved it when I was three years old. So, obviously, since this dream has laudably stood the test of time, it is the ultimate, the perfect, the truest dream of them all. Yes. I want to live in a mall.

A mall has everything you could possibly need, and all right at your fingertips. Indulge me, for a tiny moment, while I list the human necessities that a mall can meet.

  • Food? Yes. Malls offer a veritable plethora of palatable nourishing consumables. Lots o’ food! Although none of the food from the food courts is kosher, myBYUH Foodservices Home Page for The Club Cafeteria, Seasider, Catering, Vending and Concessions point is still valid. For the moment, though, let’s pretend all malls are kosher. There’s Chinese food, Japanese food, pizza, nutritious shakes, ice cream, bagels and cream cheese, diner-type food, fast-food, doughnuts, and so much more. You could savagely indulge your appetite forever on the variety of meals offered.
  • Clothes? Yes. There are billions, maybe trillions of items of clothing in a mall. Maybe you feel like dressing like a rock star, or a sailor, or a biker, or a baseball player, or a millionaire. The mall has clothes for all your clothing whims. AND, if you want to wash your clothes, instead of throwing them out after you wear them, you can wash them using the washing-machines in the appliance stores!
  • Beds? Yes. There are beds in the big department stores. Not only are they nice-looking beds, but they’re top-of-the-line beds with top-of-the-line comforters and sheets. Plus, the pillows are probably huge. Even though every single person who has walked by a comfortable-looking bed in a mall has, at one point in their lives, enthusiastically jumped onto one, you, most likely, wont get a disease by sleeping in those beds.
  • Furniture? Yes. Do you feel like curling up on a couch with a blanket and a good book? Go ahead because in the furniture stores there are dozens of couches and hundreds of chairs. You will be able to fulfill your lifelong dream of sitting in a new chair every day, if that’s your dream.
  • paul_blart_mall_cop_ver2 Security? Yes! You’ll have your own security force! They’ll ride around the mall on their Segways all day solely to protect you! Fantastic!
  • Doctors? Kinda. Some malls have dentists in them, and dentists are doctors who can prescribe anything. Remember, though, that if you live in mall then your life is probably perfect and thus, you definitely wont get sick. So, no worries!
  • Exercise Yes. Ever heard of sports stores? You can lift weights, use treadmills, throw footballs, play tennis, do yoga, or even just run around the mall. The mall is an absolute dream for anyone who loves to exercise. A dream!
  • Hair? Yes. You can totally get your hair cut at a mall. Easy as pie.
  • Relaxation? Yes. Massages! If I lived in a mall, I would get a massage every other hour. Also, instead of sleeping I would get massages. Ahhh, wonderful.

I could go on forever with the list of needs that will be met if one lived in a mall… but I wont. Suffice it to say, if anyone lived in a mall he or she would never leave. Why would anyone leave? All your friends would come to you, events would happen in the mall, parties would happen at the mall – It’ll be like living in a little, self-contained, excitement-filled, perfectly-mapped out, and temperature-controlled city. The happy and positive energy within the mall’s walls will be so palpable that you wont even be able to breath! What more could you ask for? Nothing. Nothing at all.

It’s time to move to a mall. Let’s go.

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   Many an hour have been spent resolving problems that need not be problems.  There are many difficulties in life that need not be difficulties.  I’ve pinpointed a few of them in my quest to simplify and improve life and decrease time spent fixing issues. 

  • I have never, on my first attempt, made a bed correctly.  It takes time to make a bed incorrectly, unmake it, then remake it.  So, when I’ve got to go through all those steps, it takes 300% the time to make the bed then it should.  Ridiculous.  The other day I discovered a solution; all beds should be square.  Being rectangular, the average person has only a 50% chance of placing the sheet correctly on the bed the first time.  If the bed is square, every single person will place the sheet on the bed correctly the first time.  There will be no second time.  Imagine how much time this reshaping will save!  Imagine how much it would change your life!
  • Everyone, at least a dozen times, has used his or her Cell phone flash lightcellphone screen as a flashlight.  It barely works, and you're guaranteed to either stub and break your toe or poke your eye out somehow.  I propose that all cellphones contain flashlights.  Imagine how many toes wont be broken and how many eyes wont get poked out.  Personally, I have never broken a toe or lost an eye.  Why?  Because I have a flashlight on my cellphone.  It is a mini flashlight specifically made for cellphones.  It’s been an eye-saver.
  • I wish, and I’ve wished for a long while, that white people could grow afros.  The “Jewfro” exists, but that’s not quite the same.  I’ve always wanted an afro.  For years I’ve advised, very strongly, one of my friends to grow an afro.  He began to do so, but eventually started to go bald… and that was the end of that story.  However, if I had the ability to grow an afro, I would grow one so fast and so big that my neck muscles wouldn’t have the strength to hold my head up.  My head would just flop around like a yoyo with an afro.  That’s what I would do.  Definitely.


So, those are the three things that I currently wish.  Afros, flashlights, and squares.  The trifecta of awesome.

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“Finally, an update!  Where have you been?!”  – that’s what you’re thinking.  Good thought.  Let me explain.  I’ve been out of commission from surgery.  There will be 1-2 more surgeries soon, so hopefully you’ll be able to bear more time, after those surgeries, without posts.  Be strong.  You will survive.

Also, today is the one year anniversary of my blog!  Happy Birthday to The Greatest Site Ever! 


Now, to the post:

   I’ve realized, through my many years of existence, that there’s a beautifully direct correlation between whatever you wear on your feet and your success/accomplishment level.  This correlation is not only perfect, but it’s immediate.  Your level of success and accomplishment depends on whether you wear flip-flops, sandals, sneakers, boots, semi-formal shoes, fancy shoes, and most importantly, slippers.  Today, I will explain why one who wears flip-flops will certainly fail… and probably get hurt.

   First, here’s a graph (in the form of a thermometer) that I created.  It reflects the aforementioned correlations.  It’s awesome.


Shoe Meter


   Let me explain why flip-flops correlate to the lowest level of success; it is nearly impossible to accomplish anything of significance while wearing flip-flops.  There is no back on them, only a thin piece of foam between your foot and the ground, and only rubber between your toes and over the front of your foot holding your foot to the flop (or the flip.  I think the flop).  How caflipflopn you accomplish anything while wearing something like that?  Foam never equals success.  Never.  Foam fails [and kills].  Remember that.

   Also, ask yourself, “When do people wear flip-flops?”  The answer should give you serious insight as to why flip-flops inevitably lead to a lack of success.  People wear flip-flops when they sit on a lawn chair or lie in the sand at the beach.  Both are activities where nothing productive is usually accomplished.   Plus, I do not like sand at all.

    It’s totally impossible to safely walk above the speed of .05 miles per hour while wearing flip-flops.  If you do walk faster, you’re bound to take a fatal tumble.  So, with flip-flops, not only will you lie down and accomplish nothing, if you even attempt to move, you’ll move so slowly that you’ll regret ever being born.

    When wearing an item on your foot, that item must protect your foot.  It also must allow you to move freely.  Flip-flops pretend to guard the feet from injury while actually hindering movement and flopping all over the place.  A foot-covering should not flop.  Why?  Because 1. No one has ever attributed his or her success to a flop, and 2. Flopping is obtrusive and annoying, and 3. Just as foam fails, flop fails.  So, foam fails, flop fails, and ultimately, flip will fail you, too.  Thus, flip-flops are the enemy of feet.

       To sum it up, flip-flops lead to regret, failure, and possibly a fatality.

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