Since the minute I was born, I’ve wanted to live in a mall. This dream has never faded – not through elementary school, not through middle school, not through high school, college, or through this current period of my life. Today, I would love to live in a mall just as much as I would have loved it when I was three years old. So, obviously, since this dream has laudably stood the test of time, it is the ultimate, the perfect, the truest dream of them all. Yes. I want to live in a mall.

A mall has everything you could possibly need, and all right at your fingertips. Indulge me, for a tiny moment, while I list the human necessities that a mall can meet.

  • Food? Yes. Malls offer a veritable plethora of palatable nourishing consumables. Lots o’ food! Although none of the food from the food courts is kosher, myBYUH Foodservices Home Page for The Club Cafeteria, Seasider, Catering, Vending and Concessions point is still valid. For the moment, though, let’s pretend all malls are kosher. There’s Chinese food, Japanese food, pizza, nutritious shakes, ice cream, bagels and cream cheese, diner-type food, fast-food, doughnuts, and so much more. You could savagely indulge your appetite forever on the variety of meals offered.
  • Clothes? Yes. There are billions, maybe trillions of items of clothing in a mall. Maybe you feel like dressing like a rock star, or a sailor, or a biker, or a baseball player, or a millionaire. The mall has clothes for all your clothing whims. AND, if you want to wash your clothes, instead of throwing them out after you wear them, you can wash them using the washing-machines in the appliance stores!
  • Beds? Yes. There are beds in the big department stores. Not only are they nice-looking beds, but they’re top-of-the-line beds with top-of-the-line comforters and sheets. Plus, the pillows are probably huge. Even though every single person who has walked by a comfortable-looking bed in a mall has, at one point in their lives, enthusiastically jumped onto one, you, most likely, wont get a disease by sleeping in those beds.
  • Furniture? Yes. Do you feel like curling up on a couch with a blanket and a good book? Go ahead because in the furniture stores there are dozens of couches and hundreds of chairs. You will be able to fulfill your lifelong dream of sitting in a new chair every day, if that’s your dream.
  • paul_blart_mall_cop_ver2 Security? Yes! You’ll have your own security force! They’ll ride around the mall on their Segways all day solely to protect you! Fantastic!
  • Doctors? Kinda. Some malls have dentists in them, and dentists are doctors who can prescribe anything. Remember, though, that if you live in mall then your life is probably perfect and thus, you definitely wont get sick. So, no worries!
  • Exercise Yes. Ever heard of sports stores? You can lift weights, use treadmills, throw footballs, play tennis, do yoga, or even just run around the mall. The mall is an absolute dream for anyone who loves to exercise. A dream!
  • Hair? Yes. You can totally get your hair cut at a mall. Easy as pie.
  • Relaxation? Yes. Massages! If I lived in a mall, I would get a massage every other hour. Also, instead of sleeping I would get massages. Ahhh, wonderful.

I could go on forever with the list of needs that will be met if one lived in a mall… but I wont. Suffice it to say, if anyone lived in a mall he or she would never leave. Why would anyone leave? All your friends would come to you, events would happen in the mall, parties would happen at the mall – It’ll be like living in a little, self-contained, excitement-filled, perfectly-mapped out, and temperature-controlled city. The happy and positive energy within the mall’s walls will be so palpable that you wont even be able to breath! What more could you ask for? Nothing. Nothing at all.

It’s time to move to a mall. Let’s go.

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