I would like to turn my life into a TV show.  A convergence of TV and my life would be the perfect adventure in comedy and awesome.

   Why would I like my life to be a TV show?  For four reasons.

   1.  A live, studio audience!  Every single person, at one point, including yPhotoFunia-2b939d5ou, has wished that he had an audience to hear that hilarious comment he made that no one else heard.  How could you not want an audience to be there for when you say something ingeniously funny?  There would be laughter all the time on my show!  Plus, the audience would “oooh” and “ahhh” and clap and cheer at all the right times.  You cannot go wrong.   No way.

   2.  A theme song!  A song written specifically for me by Frank Sinatra (posthumously), Lionel Richie, and Nine Days.  Those artists and band would sit down together and they would craft a musical gem for me.   It would be a magical opening theme song that would tug at your heartstrings, strum on your soul, and press down on your laughter button.

   3.  I would also, essentially, be getting paid to live.  And living while getting paid.  Ergo, my job would simply be to get paid.  Job = Get Paid.  What an equation.  What a life.  Very acceptable.

   4.  I would be a beloved TV star!  Babies would be put to bed while clutching a stuffed likeness of me.  Girls would have posters of me on their walls.  Boys would play with action figures of me.  Adults would keep pictures of me in their wallets and purses.  Ninjas would praise me.  Zombies would cower before me.  Chuck Norris would probably even submit to me without a fight.  It would be wonderful.

  The next step?  Pitch it to NBC.  How could they not want this hilarious jaunt through the house of Adam.  That’s what it should be called: The House of Adam.

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Dear TV networks (even local channels):  I’m willing to accept any reasonable offer.


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   I wish people still wore monocles.  Why?  Because monocles are half the mass of glasses but twice the awesome.  If it were more practical I would definitely wear one.  Many years ago I actually wore one for a costume, and consequently that costume turned out to be the best costume of all-time.  On the downside, though, I remember that it was insanely difficult to keep the monocle in place.  Maybe that was because I have a tiny head, or because the monocle was giant, or because it was a $3.00 novelty monocle.   Who knows.

   I wear glasses sometimes… when I’m in the mood.  I can read and see without them, but they make my life a tad bit easier.  However, one of my eyes, my right one, is much weaker than my left.  So, I would guess that if it weren’t for the weak link that is my right eye, I wouldn’t have glasses at all.  The logical conclusion of my eye dilemma?  A monocle.  It would absolutely perfect.  It wouldn’t be a cheap novelty one, or a huge one, but perfectly shaped, contoured, adjusted, and fitted to sit beautifully in my unique eye socket.   So, a monocle actually can be practical.

   I have drawn a picture to help illustrate the inevitable effects of: 1. not wearing a monocle, and; 2. wearing a monocle.  Whilst pondering the image below in relation to your future, remember that at the end of your life, you will either be a monocler (a monocle wearer) or a non-monocler (a non-monocle wearer) – both resulting in your face resembling that of the egg-shaped people in my illustration.  Now, ponder away…

 

Monocle

 

   Why waste a full pair of glasses when you need only half a pair?  Since I need only one lens, it would be a waste to use two lenses, and the monocle would thus cost only half the price of a full pair of glasses.  Plus, it would take up less space.  It’s disgustingly annoying to keep a huge, bulky, oddly-shaped glasses case in my backpack while I travel.  A monocle case would be perfect.  Much smaller, smoother, rounder, and easier to carry.  A wonderful solution!

   In addition to the monocle, a top hat and cane would complement the look beautifully.  Read my post from last August about top hats and canes for a taste of 19th-century greatness.

      No, I am not trying to dress like Mr. Peanut, it just happens that Mr. Peanut knows what’s awesome and follows his instincts.  This world would be a much better place if we all took a hint from Mr. Peanut.  Remember that.  He’s a smart one, that Mr. Peanut.


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fail-owned-killer-fail


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