After I get married and have a baby, my wife will soon, in a justified fit of rage, murder me .  She’ll be inconsolable when she realizes that I took our newborn to a park and returned with someone else’s baby (or some sort of animal).  It will tiny-baby-deerhappen.  It’s probably something every parent fears but it never actually occurs.  However, for me it’s utterly inevitable.  When babies are tiny, I cannot tell the difference between them.  They all look the same.  They all have tiny faces with tiny noses, little hands with baby fingers, wear ginormous diapers with pictures of Barney, are bald or look like they’re balding, and have no idea how to walk or read poetry.  How anyone can tell the difference between babies is beyond the mind shaftof someone with even my unparalleled genius.

   I, however, have devised a unique plan to make baby-spotting-woes (and consequently my painful demise) a tortured worry of the past.  Besides using the obvious leash to maintain a constant, albeit pet-like connection with your baby, or by gluing a GPS unit to his forehead, there is a promethean method that utilizes only a marker and your baby’s face.

   I plan to draw a beard on my baby’s face.  Its simplicity is mind-boggling!  With this method I’ll never lose a baby in a crowd.  Since he (or, even better, she!) will stick out like Shaft at an albino convention, I’ll be able to spot him a mile away.  How many babies have beards?  Just rollie-fingersmine, and possibly yours!

   I think it’s best to get creative with this idea.  Use washable markers because you may be in the mood to draw different types of beards each day.  Sometimes you may be in the mood for a goatee, sometimes muttonchops, sometimes a Rollie Fingers’ mustache, or even an Abe Lincoln beard (you’ll need some cottonballs and glue for that one).  You can also get really creative and use all the different colors to make your baby look like he tried to eat a rainbow.

crayola markers   When your wife first learns what you did to your baby’s tiny, scrunched-up face she’ll go batnuts crazy.  However, once she realizes that for the first time since the purplefacebaby’s birth you 1. Brought home an actual human, and 2. Brought home something that is genetically related to you, she’ll be ecstatic and so enamored with you that she’ll sprint out of the house to buy you a box of 4,000 Crayola Markers so that you can color your baby’s face for the next 30 years.

   …Either that or she’ll run to a lawyer’s office for a divorce. But hey, whatever, you win anyway because now your baby has a goatee.  


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  1. Product Designers Delhi // January 29, 2016 at 4:10 AM  
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  2. App Development Company London // November 10, 2016 at 8:58 AM  
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