Afroadam? An afro for me? I wish.

    For years I’ve had to suffer the wrath of not having an afro. It’s not easy for a ton (actually, 5) of reasons.

   1.  I have to wear sunblock on my face because I don’t have an afro.  If I had one, it would shade my face from the murderous sun, but alas, I have to create my own shade by wearing a hat or putting on sunblock.  An afro would be so much cheaper than a hat, too.  Plus, sunblock smells like… sunblock.  The smell of it makes me a want to take a shower in boiling acid to burn the scent off my body and out of my nostrils.  Why do I hate that smell?  Who knows.  When I was a child I probably almost drowned in a puddle of sunblock or something.

   2.  I have to wear a helmet while bikeriding.  I’ve always said that if I had an afro, it would be huge, but how big does an afro have to be to function as a helmet?  Mine would be so big that it would protect my skull from all falls, collisions with signposts, hail, bullets, earpopping soundwaves, bombs… everything.

   3.  I have to carry a bottle of water everywhere I go.  I’m always thirsty.  If I had an afro, I could just stick my head in a bathtub (or a pool) full of water and soak it all up to carry with me.  Then whenever I get thirsty, I could just put a straw in my hair and drink.  I’d never have to stop to drink!  I’d be like a camel, but a mini, bipedal, afro-wielding version.

   4.  I’m tired of carrying things in my pockets.  My wallet, my keys, candy, other stuff.  If I had an afro, I’d just toss all that stuff in there.  My hair would be full of candy and credit cards.  It would be like a convenience store, but even bigger and much more awesome.

   5.  I’m also tired of getting haircuts. Sometimes I cut my own hair for fun, but it never comes out right and I look like I stuck my head in an angry shredder or a drunk Edward Scissorhands attacked me. 

   If I had an afro, I’d never trim it.  I’d let it grow forever, until it takes over everything.  My life would be my afro, but I would be okay with that… because what more can you ask for than a giant afro?

So, if you’ve got any tips on how I can grow an afro, let me know.  This dream to grow an afro isn’t some new, ephemeral, ridiculous, weird, or even useless and impractical goal.  It’s real.  It’s life-changing, and has been a goal of mine for over 9 years.  Please help!